Category Archives: Ego Death

is an experience that makes known the illusory aspect of the ego, undergone by mystics, shamans, monks, psychonauts and other adepts of the mind. The occultic practice of ego death as “mystical experience” variously overlap with, but is distinct from, traditions concerning Buddhist enlightenment and Nirvana (in Buddhism); Or, Moksha (in Hinduism and Jainism). These latter concepts are understood as transcendence of the notion of non-illusory ego with which to experience death. Ego death means an irreversible end to one’s philosophical identification with what Alan Watts called skin-encapsulated ego.

Reading: Fifty Spiritual Homilies of St. Macarius the Egyptian by Pseudo-Macarius

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When I began seeing the deep and lasting impact of God in my life, I was finishing my first book. The universe facilitated my introduction to Maximus the Confessor and the Philokalia. From there I read Dark Night of the Soul by St. John of the Cross and then The Selected Works of Maximus the Confessor. Maximus made tremendous effort to explain the condition of the human heart. I returned to the Philokalia and several passages struck truthful chords within my heart and my dreams. One of these passages, often cited without proper reference is from St. Macarious the Egyption. That passage is:

“Within the heart are unfathomable depths. It is but a small vessel and yet dragons and lions are there, and poisonous creatures and all the treasures of wickedness; rough, uneven paths are there, and gaping chasms. There likewise is God, there are the angels, there life and the Kingdom, the light and the Apostles, the heavenly cities and the treasures of grace: all things are there.”

This passage is from the 50 Spiritual Homilies of St. Macarious the Egyptian.

There is no greater truth than the power and depth of the human heart are beyond measure and comprehension. Each of us is defined by our actions. Our capacity for good, selfless acts is balanced by the depth of our desire to preserve and serve our ego and self. Inside the heart is the Godhead. We were created in God’s image, given free will, and stained by original sin. Each day we wake up and choose the roles we will play in our lives and in our

St. Macarious in the tradition of the Desert Fathers rejected a comfortable life and moved to the desert to medidate on God and our role as his creation. His focus is the human heart and the spiritual battle within. It is a deeply driven combat manual of spiritual warfare. Taken as a whole, it is revolutionary in its scope and promise.

When I began reading it, I didn’t appreciate the degree and the forms that evil can take. In protecting and serving our ego, we sacrifice our godly image and values.

Reading: Meister Eckhart Selected Writings by Oliver Davies

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Okay, so it is no surprise to me that my journey bring me to Eckhart. To be honest, until last year the only reference to Eckhart I had found was in the movie Jacob’s Ladder. The main characters discuss Eckhart’s perception of demons and angels freeing us from the material world to which we cling for existence and value. The movie is based on Ambrose Bierce short story Occurence at Owl Creek Bridge. I saw the movie years ago and this discussion about Eckhart still gives me chills. A few months ago, I watched the movie again for the first time in decades. Immediately, I jumped on Amazon and bought the first book I could find: Meister Eckhart Selected Writings by Oliver Davies.

Since reading this book, I have enjoyed several others and will do reviews on those as well. Any fans of Christian Mysticism will enjoy this book. Eckhart’s story and contribution to the philosophical understanding of the Godhead is beyond measure. He doesn’t write in riddles and his parables are sound. He turns a critical eye within himself to arrive at his assertions and they ring true.

This book, specifically, is pop culture Eckhart. It is the best, most understandable, and most memorable discussions and sermons he produced. I can’t cite or say a single negative thing about this book or Eckhart after reading it. And that bothers me. I am accustomed to disagreements. I welcome positions that challenge my own understanding or beliefs and I didn’t feel that way reading this book. His other books, available through your local library, will help push that individual envelope should the Eckhart fan want challenges. This book is very well thought out. The organization and structure is smooth.

Is there anything wrong with reading a book that doesn’t challenge your perceptions? No. Did I gain valuable insight into myself, God, and Eckhart? Absolutely. Would I recommend it? Without hesitation. Almost every page in this book has a highlight mark or a dog-eared page. I devoured it and it resounded within me. However, if you discover Eckhart speaks to you personally like I felt, don’t stop with this book. There are many more that you won’t find on Amazon. Check out eBay!

Reading: On the Cosmic Mystery of Jesus Christ by St. Maximus the Confessor

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Maximus the Confessor put forth many concepts through analytically sound reasoning that could be considered fringe. Today, he is a Saint although he died as a heretic. When religious-political winds changed around the Monothelite Heresy of Christ’s nature, Maximus attained his Sainthood. Maximus believed that Man’s greatest endeavor was deification: becoming God. His assertions are bold concepts for their day and well-reasoned.

I continued to pursue a greater understanding of Maximus the Confessor and next on my reading list was On the Cosmic Mystery of Jesus Christ. As I read, I experienced Maximus asking the tough questions about our own humanity and Jesus’ role in our salvation. Ask ten different people “Who was Jesus?” and you will get ten different, but related, answers. Maximus was unafraid to address the impressive philosophical challenges of such a question. My reading was well rewarded. Inside the pages, I learned to appreciate the greater role and gift each human being possesses by its creation in God’s Image.

As I read, I like to dog ear and highlight passages that I really enjoy or that speak to me. Just like in life, there are times when you see, hear, or discover something about yourself or the world that just feels right. Feels down to our being that what you now understand is a universal certainty or conviction. During these blog post reviews, I want to make a practice of sharing these passages. Like any famous quote, it can inspire further study in its author.

“One man sets forth an admirable example of superior perseverance and pious courage for other human beings, if indeed there were a man distinguished in intelligence and virtue, and competent in himself to uncover, through unwavering engagement in formidable struggles, the truth which has meanwhile lay hidden.” Ambiguum 8

For me, this is the challenge for humanity. While the person described above sounds like a super hero, there is no talk of flying faster than a speeding bullet. If one can heroically aspire to heavenly virtues upon this physical world, this passage describes that aspiration.

“Perhaps it is even the case that the present inequality is allowed to prevail in order to display our rational capacity for preferring virtue above everything else. For the change and alteration of the body and of things external are for all human beings one and the same thing-both a bearing and a being born along- which also knows chaos and conductibility as its only stability and its only security.” Ambiguum 8

Reading: Maximus Confessor Selected Writings by George C. Berthold

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After reading the Philokalia, I made a list of authors that I wanted to read. That list included philosophers, saints, and early Christian mystics. One of the first was Saint Maximus the Confessor. I had read the Wikipedia entry on him and was fascinated by him. My own belief in ego death reflected in his philosophy and I saw echoes of my own experiences with the God Image, the deification of man, and reconnecting with the Source.

In Maximus’ time, there was a great debate over whether Jesus had only a Divine Will or both a Divine Will and a human will. Monophysitism put forward that Christ only had a Divine Will. Dyophysitism believed Christ had both a Divine Will and a human will. This was a tremendous debate within the new church.

Maximus the Confessor believed in the Dyophysite position. He believed the only way Christ could fully demonstrate his sacrifice and vulnerability was to be faced by the same temptations as God’s creation. Ultimately, this is how the Church evolved but at the time it resulted in a heresy conviction and cost Maximus his tongue and his right hand. He died shortly thereafter in 662 AD.

As a result of the Sixth Ecumenical Council in 681, Maximus was vindicated and the Church declared Christ to have both a Divine Will and a human will. He was made a saint and is one of the last men to be recognized by both the Catholic and Eastern Orthodox Church as a Father of the Church.

The book Maximus Confessor Selected Writings by George C. Berthold is divided into 6 key parts: The Introduction, The Four Hundred Chapters on Love, The Commentary on the Our Father, The Chapters on Knowledge, and The Church’s Mystagogy.

The Introduction provides the historical framework necessary to appreciate the world of Maximus’ time. It also gives a brief biography of Saint Maximus the Confessor to include his teachers and the great controversies of the time. The Christian Church wasn’t built in a day. Its creation was the result of many iterations of discussions and debates during the first millennium of the Church’s existence. These debates were incredibly passionate as the founders felt a responsibility almost beyond imagination. There were also consequences for those who didn’t follow the popular line of reasoning. Theologians incorporated and synthesized elements of Judaism and Greek philosophy to fully understand the Christ phenomena. Maximus was a student of Pseudo-Dionysius and also integrated the work of Plotinus, the father of Neoplatonism, into his own beliefs.

The Four Hundred Chapters on Love is also known as the Four Centuries on Love. It contains 400 verses that represent the most beautiful reflections on God, Love, and Jesus Christ ever written. It also delves into the destructive force of allowing passions to enter the heart. After I read these verses I saw a change in myself and my own understanding. I promised myself I would reread them regularly and incorporate them into my prayers and meditations.

The Commentary on the Our Father is a delightful dissection and discussion of the Lord’s Prayer. My own experiences of coming back to the Church were reinforced by this discussion. As a child and young adult, I recited the Lord’s Prayer with rote accuracy but without an understanding of its deeper meaning. One of the first things that I did as I came back was to meditate on each line of the prayer and how it evolved for me. The Lord’s Prayer hadn’t changed, by its personal meaning and reflection on my understanding of God had been altered dramatically by the passing years.

The Chapters on Knowledge or Two Centuries on Knowledge are some of the most deeply moving philosophical thoughts on God, the human ego, redemption, and salvation I have read. Like the Four Hundred Chapters on Love, there are two hundred verses to serve as a basis for meditation and prayer. Maximus’ deep understanding and inspired writing cannot help but move one to a greater appreciation of our role as God’s creation.

The Church’s Mystagogy discusses the symbolism of the rites within the Divine Synaxis. Although this was my least favorite part of the book, it was interesting nonetheless. The first eight chapters were the most rewarding with in-depth discussions of man’s relationship and responsibility to both God and himself and the logical ransom Christ paid for his Father’s creation. After chapter eight I found it became a little dry for the next 14 pages. Stepping through the individual rites and their meaning wasn’t as engaging for me personally.

In summary, this book will be a part of my permanent collection. Like a wise old friend, I find its company comforting and I am often surprised by the counsel I receive from its pages. Whenever I feel distracted, this book can be relied on to provide the answer I need. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Reading: Philokalia: The Eastern Christian Spiritual Texts by G. E. H. Palmer, Philip Sherrard and Kallistos Ware

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The Philokalia was one of the first books I read on the subject of early Christian mysticism and continues to inspire my wonderful journey. In many ways, I consider it a tasting menu and cross section of the greatest Christian philosophers, mystics, and writers of all ages.

By late February 2013, my midlife crisis of the previous two years had evolved into a crisis of faith. Spiritually I was going to hit a tremendous crossroads that would change me forever. As I sat on my couch editing GGCBCC, I grabbed a straw that had been pointing at me for awhile. That straw was a number. 662.

I was led to the Philokalia by way of Wikipedia when I typed in the number 662 into Google one night. It’s amusing that we ever made it through our day without Google. The number had come up in my life too many times recently to be discounted any longer. Among other things, it was the date of the death of Saint Maximus the Confessor. If you have ever read an author that really speaks to you down to your very soul, that’s what happened to me with Saint Maximus. As I read the Wikipedia entry, I took notes pulling out the relevant authors and books that might continue my education once I finished GGCBCC. My first book was the Philokalia.

We have a wonderful public library system in San Mateo County. It allows you to pull books in from different branches and that is exactly what I began doing. I am always open to suggestions for further reading, but for me the Philokalia was the perfect choice to begin my education. It paints a beautiful mosaic from the excerpts of leading Christian thinkers and philosophers during the creation and formation of the Christian religion. These contributors included mystics, desert hermits, Saints, and even the kernel of philosophers that together created the operating system we call Christianity.

I used to believe that religious folks were superstitious and feared science and reason. The state of Texas was proof in my mind with their desire to outlaw critical thinking in schools. Then I realized that I had typecast all Christians into an extremist minority no different than many Americans probably do with followers of the Jewish or Muslim faith. The Philokalia demonstrated to me the incredible critical thinking and reasoning that was required to build the foundation of the Christian Church.

If you can only read one book on Christianity to start your journey, I recommend the Philokalia. It will show you a beautiful back story to Christianity that will inspire further reading.

The Dream Part 5: Lost Friend and Grief No More

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So they say God works in mysterious ways. In the case of my dream, he can be exceptionally direct at times. A dear friend needed a helping hand. This friend did not ask for special favors. I just saw their obstacles and decided to offer my help. I felt God brought her into my life to teach me something that I needed to learn. I don’t have many friends and the few I have are very special to me. I had prayed and meditated on my actions and felt helping was the right thing to do. I did not want nor expect to ever be paid back. I just felt that God wanted me to help and I cared about this person.

Needless to say, our friendship had a bad day. I have had disagreements with friends before, even arguments and fights. But true friends don’t quit. They fight for each other and for their friendship. In a single night my friend cut me off completely. I prayed and sought solace but nothing helped. For almost a month I put myself through Hell as I second guessed every decision and every conversation I had with this friend. I despaired, blamed myself, blamed my friend, and asked God why he would bring me into someone’s life to help them only to be abandoned abruptly.

A week before the dream I recognized the Hell I had created for myself. I imagined Satan gleefully toying with my emotional state like a puppet on his strings and asked for God’s help to banish him from my heart and send him back to the Abyss. I incorporated that plea into my daily prayers. Never once did I stop praying for my friend. I will pray for my friend until the stars burn out, asking for God to watch over and heal her.

Then I had my opportunity to talk to the big guy one on one. It is weird the questions you choose to ask in this situation. I felt like I asked a hundred but each question went down a different rabbit hole. Finally, I asked what I did wrong to my friend? Was there anything I could do to fix this situation or would trying to fix it just make it worse? His answer: “She is on her own journey”. That’s it. Simple. Sweet. Direct. It took away all my grief, doubt, and despair in one fell swoop.

The resounding messages from my first book were two fold. First, Imagination and Will can change the world. Second, you cannot save another person. You can help others. You can bend over backwards, swim across a river of lava, and move heaven and earth for them. However, in the end, it is their decision and their life. You cannot take that responsibility away from them. They have free will and they are the sum of their parts. Give what you can, be there for them with sound counsel and as a shoulder to give them support when they are down. Understand that their journey is their own. Love them regardless of their mistakes and keep them in your heart and in your prayers. Even though my friend left me, I would not trade the wonderful time and effort I spent helping her for anything. Likewise, she shared a part of herself with me, taught me how to fish, and showed me incredible generosity and confidence of spirit. Helping her was its own reward. That’s what friends are for.

The Dream Part 4: Meditation and Prayer

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An interesting outcome of my dream was the inspiration to return to the Jesus Prayer as a personal mantra and meditation. I had been in my new job for a couple weeks and my monkey mind had gotten worse. Although I focused on deep breathing exercises during my commute and at stressful times, it did not help quiet my mind.

After the dream, I decided to give the Jesus Prayer another chance. Just a simple meditation over and over again to blank my mind of earthly concerns. Although the first day was a little awkward, by the third day I was in a Zen state of calm. I discovered that the prayer cleared my mind in ways I did not expect. Some days I still enjoy listening to the radio in my car but most days I turn off the radio, focus on the prayer, and just appreciate the moment. I have seen more beautiful sunrises and sunsets in the last month than in the previous year.

The Dream Part 3: The River of the Holy Spirit

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The most memorable part of my dream was finally seeing and understanding the Holy Spirit. Previously, the mystery of the Holy Spirit confounded me. I always began and ended prayers to the Trinity, but would often catch myself wondering about the entity we call the Holy Spirit within the Triune God.

My first dream in March 2011 showed me the mechanics of the mind and soul across infinite universes. While a complete understanding was almost beyond my mind, I saw the mechanics in action. I learned to appreciate how powerful our imagination is and how our individual actions affect our surroundings.

Since then, I had many epiphanies and dreams, both awake and asleep. Each one of them was important. However, this dream answered one of my greatest questions. I have never fully comprehended the mechanics of the Holy Spirit and this had bothered me. I mean REALLY bothered me as both an engineer and as a Christian.

If I were to verbally paint a picture, imagine lying propped up on your bed with your back against several pillows. Your knees are bent. Now we are taking a trip to the Theater of Perception. Remove the room and the bed and the hotel. Remove the earth and the stars. Now in this place your physical body is gone and instead you can see the energy moving throughout your body. It is life. It flows non-stop from your toes and fingertips to your head and heart. It reminded me of those drawings in medical books of the human circulatory system but with energy instead of blood. The energy was orange and blue.

Suspended above me was a horizontal waterfall, bright and white, stretching out as far as I could see. It flowed with a tremendous rush and thunderous noise. I was told this was the Holy Spirit. I saw it penetrate everything in our world. It was beyond our normal perception but was ever present. I saw that the energy in my body and that of the Holy Spirit were one in the same but it was the Source. I was told to dip my toes in the River of the Holy Spirit. I willed my leg to raise. Although my physical leg was gone and replaced with a network of pulsing energy, I understood this was still my leg. As my toes were immersed into the Holy Spirit I started to cry as I felt the most extreme rapture and ecstasy beyond anything I could imagine. I felt I was one with God in that moment. I was with the Source and it was flowing through me.

It was so intense it could almost be mistaken for physical pain or a shock. I immediately thought of the most severe pins and needles I could imagine from a limb that falls asleep. As it spread throughout my body, it felt like electricity. I wanted to immerse my entire being in it but was held back. I would do anything to feel it again. When I read about the ecstasy and yearning described by saints, I could not relate to that feeling. In that moment, everything changed. The pure love and exquisite energy in that moment could never be compared to an earthly event.

I finally understood that the Holy Spirit makes everything possible. It is the fabric of the Divine. It is the river that gives life. It is God and the integration medium for all Creation. An Entity unto itself, it holds together and nourishes His Creation.

The Dream Part 2: Do Not Fear. Anything.

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I felt this part of my dream was a little dramatic and, until I reflected on it, unnecessary at that moment. When I first heard “Do Not Fear. Anything”, my immediate reaction was “I am not afraid. You showed me what comes next. I welcome coming home when you call me”. Immediately all the moments of anxiety and second-guessing came flooding back into my memory from the last month. God showed me my fear. When I started to the process of following the Divine Pattern and abandoning my ego last year I lost much of my fear as I let go of my earthly attachments. Focusing on leading a pious life had greatly simplified my existence and brought a degree of peace to my soul.

This message was very direct and to the point. I was very comfortable in my understanding that my life on earth is an interim stage. The continuing efforts to annihilate my ego had further reduced or eliminated fear of loss or attachment. However, fear still haunted my heart. This fear represented second-guessing recent events in my life around the loss of a good friend. I understood at that moment that those regrets, second-guessing, and worrying was the work of my ego still trying to protect itself. I will discuss the specific instance in a future post. However, In this very direct manner, I was told to stop fearing. Anything. Moving forward, whenever I found myself encountering regrets or second guessing events I would remember those words: “Do not fear. Anything”.

The Dream Part 1: See and Do

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Well, I’ve had some time to digest the dream I had on the Feast of Saint Matthew. Even during the dream I remember asking God how I would remember everything. Historically, if I don’t capture a dream quickly after waking up, I find it more difficult to remember as time passes. In this case, there was so much information being passed and so many questions being answered I was anxious that I would forget something important. I was overwhelmed by the experience. I was told I would remember when I needed to remember and that I would know when I needed to know.

The biggest direction I received was also the simplest. It wasn’t directed at me alone, rather it was a message for everyone. See and Do. Do and See. See God’s Hand in my life and see where I can help others. Then Do something, even if it is something small and minor. Then See the results and follow-up as needed with further action. See and Do. Do and See.